AIDS does NOT exist! The TRUTH!

5 May

Following months of intensive undercover investigation, I, the Fiddler Scribbler have stumbled upon the startling discovery that AIDS is in fact, a made-up illness. Many of you may be scratching your heads thinking “thats rubbish, lots of people have died of AIDS, Africa has an AIDS crisis, what is this (extremely good looking) writer on about?” I’ll tell you what this (extremely good looking) writer is on about. AIDS actually stands for ‘Artificial Illness Doesn’t Subsist,’ whilst you would think this news would shock and confound many, it appears that countless public figures have been ‘in the know’ about this conspiracy for a long time.

I spoke to a prominent premiership footballer who wished to remain anonymous, infact such was his insecurity, it was only after several promises of stringent methods to protect his identity that he was willing to talk to me. He informed me that he had known AIDS was a made up illness for some years. “Yeah of course, I know its a made up illness, known for years haven’t I? Its weird you ask about it actually, I was chatting to my wife about it the other day. Yeah Cheryl asked me about Adidas sponsoring Chelsea, your not going to put her name or my teams name in the article are you? No, good. (Unlucky!!!) But yeah anyway she asked me about it, and I told her an interesting fact about how Adidas was nearly the name of AIDS. She was like ‘yeah whatever Ashley,’ she even rang her band mates to see if they knew about it, the ugly one did… you know the ginge minge. Well yeah anyway I told her all about how the name for AIDS was nearly ‘Artificial Disease & Illness Doesn’t Actually Subsist, ADIDAS. There was a big legal battle behind closed doors or something. But as soon as I found out I’ve been taking it up the shitter from any old tramp. I’m a dirty gay bastard.” And readers, I can confirm he is a dirty filthy bastard, it almost rubs off on you, very much in the same way a lump of ‘coal’ would…

Many of you may wonder how I, the Fiddler Scribbler, managed to find out how AIDS was a made up virus? Well after several personal health checks confirming I did not have AIDS, I swam in the same pool as a ‘known gay’ for 17.4 seconds before hurriedly scrambling out to under-go further tests. The results shocked all, I had not contracted AIDS! Whilst many would have taken this as substantially clear evidence that AIDS was in fact a made up illness, I, the Fiddler Scribbler still had my doubts and continued with testing. The second test consisted of me drinking out of the same glass of another ‘known gay,’ a practice known as drinking ‘gay juice,’which reportedly has an AIDS content of 7.14523, or more commonly known as ‘100% AIDS, Double Proof.’ The subsequent tests once again shocked all, I had not contracted the AIDS virus. My researchers were confused, my editor excited, and most shockingly my white blood cell count was normal. We were down to the final test, a test that I was not sure my body, mind or soul could endure, but being the Journalist I am I pushed those thoughts away and prepared myself for the ordeal. In the final test I would have to…wait for it…take a deep breathe and prepare yourself… I would have to spend 16 minutes in G.A.Y, surrounded by AIDS fumes, a practice know as ‘the gas chamber’ or ‘Auschwitzing it.’ As I stumbled through the bright purple doors of G.A.Y my life flashed before me in chronological order. I saw my first steps, my first ride on a bike without stabilizers, my first rape, my 9th birthday party and so on. After some time I pulled myself together and delved deeper into the glitzy disco of G.A.Y, I was light headed on what I assumed to be AIDS fumes. Much of my memory of that day has unfortunately been lost, I however am told that I stumbled out completely hammered after 26 minutes, 10 minutes more than had been required! I was put into a fumigating tent as the tests were carried out. Eventually the results were read, it appeared that I did not have AIDS. I had done it, I had proved that AIDS did not exist! Unfortunately for me I did appear to have consumed something called Rohipnol, and after further investigation discovered I was also suffering from a torn arsehole and anal herpes.

Whilst the anal herpes do occasionally play up, it is not without suffering that we as human can progress and evolve. I am happy to accept anal herpes as a consequence of being the person who discovered and informed the world that AIDS did not actually exist. Whilst there are several conspiracies as to why AIDS was made up ranging from ‘to keep squirrel numbers down’ to ‘I like mash potatoes.’ It is my belief that AIDS was fictionally created in an attempt to spice up the gay community. We, heterosexuals were trading ‘Premiership Football player stickers’ all the time and some of the gay community felt left out, they needed to trade something, and subsequently along came AIDS, a made up illness that could be traded more frenzied than a Chinese kid with Pokemon cards.

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