Why Muhammad should stop wearing sandals.

6 Jul

They are dangerous! Research has shown that the thin soles and the need to grasp the shoes onto our feet force us to walk differently, and cause problems with legs, knees, hips and backs. The lack of support offered by them can cause problems with arches and heels. Not to mention the lack of natural protection that a pair of sandals provide. Say for example someone was to have dropped a large amount of halal meat/a statue/a largeprint Koran onto his foot, it would have swelled up and hurt a great deal. It’s not like they had paracetamol to relieve the pain back then either. Never mind the fact that it’s unlikely he’d have a Bentley chauffeur to transport him around, he would have had no option but to walk to each of his reputably enthralling sermons.

Now if that isn’t enough to deal with, it also dramatically increases the chance of skin cancer. I believe it’s something to do with the sun hitting an area that is usually well covered, however, in retrospect perhaps Muhammad would have been fine. He would have probably had his feet out in the sun from a young age, and in fact with even further consideration they might (and probably were) have been covered by a large amount of coarse hair, hobbit-like feet if you will. So ok, admittedly the danger from sun rays would be limited, Muhammad would probably not have to worry about slapping the factor 50 over his Frodo feet. However I do believe the risks that Muhammad is leaving himself open to by wearing sandals is really not worth the fuss. He could easily replace them with some tasty ‘Air Jordans’ or something, I hear he took 20% of the Muslims booty. Quite an impressive chunk if I might say so myself, though admittedly I am comparing this to the fact that some of the dragons on TV’s Dragons Den go away with less.

However if, if, he really needs to wear them, say for example, the Air Jordans didn’t work out, they got too sweaty or his Frodo feet didn’t fit in them (he could use Veet hair removal?) then he could continue to wear them providing he stuck to the following guidelines.

1. He shouldn’t walk long distances in them – they’re really made for walking along the beach or by the pool, not for long strolls between sermons

2. He should choose sandals with with thick soles, which would provide more cushion for his Frodo feet and would also provide protecting for him from sharp objects that he might encounter on the street or where ever he found himself.

3. Keep his hairy feet, they could be providing protection from any suspicious moles he might have.

4. He should stretch alot. The trouble the sandals are causing to his feet, hips and back can be combated by incorporating yoga into his five daily prayers.

5. Use athletes foot powder, sandals breed bacteria.

Other than that if Muhammad wants to wear sandals, then who am I to say he shouldn’t. Honestly who am I? This man was born without a foreskin, was I? No. In fact I still have two, they’ve however been surprisingly useful, its like having your own personal allotment to grow things in. The current crop is mushrooms… and lots of them.

Marrying a 6 year old however Muhammad? tut tut tut…naughty naughty


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