Questions for ‘The Fiddler Scribbler’

24 Aug

What’s your real name?
My real name is not actually something that can be typed. Not out of any Jihad security worries or anything. It’s just that your standard keyboard doesn’t have the actual keys that spell my name. To spell it you need the smell of freshly mown grass, you need the laughter of a happy child and finally and most importantly you need to stop being so fucking nosy.

Are you Muslim?
No, I’m Jewish, but not a Hasidic Jew. My mothers side are all Orthodox Jews, however my father was a christian turned atheist. This meant that I got to celebrate the Jewish holidays that I wanted to and avoid the ones that I didn’t want to. Whilst I appreciate the values that have been installed in me from my mothers Jewish beliefs, my father must have had a more powerful influence over me as I’m now an atheist. Actually he definitely does, as my Mum now eats bacon haha!

Are you gay?
If it means spreading the ass cheeks of some greasy hairy Turkish man and then preceding to bury my face into his dark, dirty doner, skewering him, playing with his filthy felafels and turning him on a spit. Then yes, I’m gay.

Do you have AIDS?
Occasionally, but most of time I just do it all myself

Are you Jewish?
No, I was brought up in quite a strict Muslim household and to this day remain a Muslim. Admittedly I am probably not the Muslim I should be, or at least certainly not the strict Muslim my grandparents would have wanted me to be! I’m not terrible, but I do drink and have had sex many times (sort of a playa) despite not being married, but you know… It is the 21st century.

Have you actually been raped?
Well when it comes to that my friends I was fortunate enough to be given a handy bit of advice by my brother when I was about 6 years old. It’s a bit of advice which I’ve used to cover many different scenarios and one which I will be kind enough to pass on. “To avoid being bullied. Bully”

Do u know that…“havin one boob biger than the other is a serious thing which effects a lot of people and is not sumthin to joke about!?”
Yes I knew, and I disagree, it’s defiantly something to joke about.

Do you know that… “YOU WILL MEET THEM IN THE PIT OF HELL TORMENT CREATED BY ALLAH WHEN YOU ARE DEAD AL’READY OR COMMITED SUICIDE IN MONK’S KAMIKAZE BRIGAND STYLE. YOU WILL MEET THEM TOO IN THE PIT OF HELL TORMENT CREATED BY ALLAH IF YOU ARE DEAD AL’READY?”
This I did not know. And still don’t. What are you talking about? Monk’s kamikaze brigand style? I will commit suicide whilst being a Japanese monk who commits a certain number of crimes? Well it seems that my path is clear. Do not become a Japanese monk. Fuck it, not even any type of monk. Actually this now makes a lot of sense. You are sending me a warning, and your right! I think that if Allah wishes to send me to hell it would be for forsaking Islam. To be a monk or whatever else. Thank you my friend, you’ve done great things today.

Have you ever eaten a turd?
Yes, this question. Do better

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