Lies, Spies, Stress and Scientology

13 Oct


So you may have noticed that I’ve been away for a while. I haven’t left you, I was merely busy… infiltrating. That’s right, infiltrating. Over the last week or so I have spent a large amount of time at Saint Hill Manor in East Grinstead. For those of you who don’t know this is pretty much the ‘Mecca’ for Scientologist’s. It’s like what fried chicken is to black people, what gold is to Jews and what bomb filled rucksacks are to Muslims. It’s everything.

Some of you may be wondering if you have ever met a scientologist before. Well, I’ve found an easy formula to work it out is by asking yourself ‘have I met any wierdo’s in my life?’ If the answer is yes, then yes, you’ve most likely met one. I’m not saying that all weirdos are scientologists, no no. But are all scientologists weirdos? Yes yes.

Actually I retract that statement. No, no fuck it, I retract my retraction. I was having second thoughts about labelling them weirdos, I mean I spent almost a full week with these people and I got on well enough with them. Sure they won’t be getting any invites to any of my infamous ‘skag and slag parties’ in the future but I was able to talk to them… Without them going on about their beliefs, which is quite a refreshing change to the regular religious nuts that knock on your door. I was however put through a ‘stress test’ which really demonstrated the amount of stress I am currently dealing with. An unfathomable amount! If only there was a way in which I could alleviate this crushing stress. Get rid of it before it ruins me. Maybe a book I could buy? Maybe there’s even an organisation I could give lots of money to in order to help me.

Oh wait. There is a book. There is an organisation. The same organisation who told me I have this stress. I mean I wasn’t aware of it before, I thought I was perfectly happy. The fact that the woman just kept on turning various dials until my ‘stress levels’ peaked didn’t leave me suspicious. Neither did her unintelligible mumble when asked about what the various dials did. And why would I become suspicious of a religion who’s founder, a science fiction author wrote “writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.” 

As a religion teaching the dangers of greed and the need for compassion, you’d have thought that they would give their teachings away for free. My Jehovah Witness friends certainly do. Also why are each of these ‘must read’ books so expensive? Why is it even considered a religion? It has nothing to do with God.

I can’t imagine that it’s due to the tax exemption religious organizations have.

Anyway I could go on and on about the short comings of this ‘religion,’ but I’d be here forever, so I’ll cut a long story short. My week infiltrating the ‘scienos’ led to me being cordially invited to attend the 27th International Association of Scientologists banquet. That’s right… James Bond has nothing on me.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

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