I’m really sorry to interupt your conversation, I just HAD to tell you that you’re a cunt.

18 Oct

I’ve been there. You’ve been. We’ve all been there. We’ve overheard someone talking next to us and we’ve thought ‘my oh my this man is an absolute cunt.’ But we leave it there, we only ‘think’ about it. We don’t help them out by letting them know how much of a cunt they are. This HAS to change. It simply has to.

If you had a large piece of cress or broccoli in between your front teeth you’d want to know. You wouldn’t want to walk around, talking, smiling, looking like this. People will assume your a peasant or have recently gone down on a herpes encrusted tramp cock. Ok, maybe not the latter, but you do look stupid. So surely you’d want somebody to stop you and say “look mate, you’ve got a big piece of ‘I don’t know what the fuck’ between your front teeth.” Sure it will be embarrassing in that moment, but aren’t you happy that you’ve been told about it? Aren’t you pleased that your no longer walking about looking like a twat? Yes you are, which brings us smoothly back to letting these people know they’re cunts. They would want to know.

You have to be clever about how you do it however. If you don’t get it right the first time it could mean that this person becomes more of a cunt. Nobody wants that, so it has to be subtle yet effective. There are few ways in which you can do this.

1. The Stalker
Start to follow them and get to know their routine. Also take photos of them whilst they’re shopping, filling up with petrol, watching tv etc… Once you have compiled a fair amount of photos and know their routine, break into their house and leave notes and these photos under their pillow, in their fridge, everywhere. Notes should say such things as “I’m watching you, soon you will die, yeah I suppose asparagus is my favourite, I gunna drink your blood etc…” Repeat every alternate week.

2. The Pink Panther
Break into their house and steal all of their possessions. Spray paint ‘this happened because your a cunt, do better’ on their lounge wall. Leave it two months for them to have aquired new possesions and do it again. Repeat every 2 months until they’ve made the desired improvement.

3. The Grim Reaper
Get your writing hat on and write an obituary for them. A good example of what to write would be. (Persons Name) died horrifically on (Your Choice Of Date). He/she leaves behind no-one who cared for them. Often known as the towns dickhead, (Persons Name) will be remembered for taking pleasure in annoying everyone that he/she could. His brother/sister who wish to remain unnamed for fear of people knowing they were related said ‘my brother/sister lived a life where they… blah blah blah, you get the idea.

4. The Iain Huntley
Kidnap them! Rent a van with a sliding side door, get a few big mates, drive up alongside them and bundle the fucker in. Make a quick getaway, ensuring that your balaclava’s are on at all times. Once you’ve got them in a very panicked state, sit them into a dark (preferably cold) room and shine a bright lamp in the face and tell them they are a massive cunt and they are about to pay for it. For optimum results keep them hostage for at least 72 hours during which you should go and threaten them 10 minutes of every hour. Once the 72 hours is complete, drop them off blindfolded, naked and with their hands bound on a fairly quiet road. Repeat every 3 months. IF you still aren’t getting the required results add a few drops of acid onto the back of their necks and play them white noise… or if you really hate this person play them the Black Eyed Peas.

5. The John Wayne
The most simple and admittedly boring way of achieving your aim. Straight shooting. ‘Look I’m not meaning to be rude, but everyone thinks your a bit of a dick and your not going to have anybody unless you change your ways. Seriously you need to change your ways, otherwise your going to end up a very sad and lonely old man who’s only sexual activity will be stray cats coming to skull fuck your decomposing body.’

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2 Responses to “I’m really sorry to interupt your conversation, I just HAD to tell you that you’re a cunt.”

  1. waiternotes October 18, 2011 at 9:42 am #

    you’re. as in you are.

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