Toothache, the pain of all pains.

14 Dec

For those of you who have experienced a bad toothache, you’re probably aware that it causes more pain than rupturing your colon, whilst giving birth to octuplets, who all bare a striking resemblance of the late Pavarotti, ie…they’re all fat little cunts.

It. Is. Awful.

When you are unwell its normal to wrap yourself in a duvet and sleep the day away. Sweating, shivering… generally looking like a skaghead going cold turkey. When you have toothache however, sleep is off the cards. ‘It ain’t gunna happen.’ You try, but all you hear and feel, is ‘boom, boom, boom’ as your pulse chooses to play the bongos on the painful area. Paracetamol? Ibuprofen? Your toothache laughs at their feeble attempts to block the pain. It’s like putting Frodo Baggins and Baby Spice in a tag team match against Achilles and Hercules. There will be only one victor, and it isn’t the two little fuckers who are miserable due to their respective destroyed rings. If you feel I’m over exaggerating, you haven’t had a proper toothache. You’ve had a small one.

Dentists and prescription pain killers are the heroes in this story. Move aside Achilles, move aside Hercules. Captain Buck o’Hare and Super Ted have arrived. You may have heard the phrase ‘pain is just weakness leaving the body,’ whilst I’d love to go along with this sentiment, I can’t. It’s not weakness leaving the body. It’s your body letting you know who’s boss. You might force feed it any number of harmful narcotics, drink steadily until your liver cries ‘fuck off you cunt’ or smoke until your lungs are as black as that weirdo AIDS looking guy in ‘Lost,’ but ultimately it’s the boss. It decides when enough is enough, not you. So when you do get toothache, don’t see it as a ‘I must take better care of my teeth’ thing, see it as a declaration of war. Get a glass/mug/bucket and scream into it ‘This is Sparta’ or something equally intimidating. The echo will travel through your body, letting it know that you won’t be bullied, you won’t lay down your weapons and come quietly. You will fight, to the very end. You will fight.


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