Archive | Accounts RSS feed for this section

Depression, Depression, O’ Depression.

8 Mar

In my personal opinion.
Depression is your mind telling you that you’re not good enough.
So instead of accepting your minds criticism.
Why don’t you fight it?

If your brain is telling you that you’re too ugly.
Tell it to fuck off.
Have you seen a brain? It’s grim.
However ugly you are. You’re still better looking.

If your brain is telling you that you’re too fat, that you can’t run.
Tell it to fuck off.
I haven’t seen a brain go running. Go running. Beat it.
However fat you are. You can still lose it.

If your brain is telling you that you’re too stupid.
Tell it to fuck off.
Remind this brain, ‘you are my brain, you’re the stupid cunt.’

Are you a creative mind and as such see the world slightly differently to those around? Slightly different, yet at times it seems a lot?
Easy menial tasks and things such as Maths are a struggle. Deep down you think you’re different.
It’s because you are. Be happy for it.
Express the person you are. Take your creativity and do something with it, channel yourself through your talents.
And if your brain tells you you’re not good enough.
Tell it to fuck off.
You are.

Fight against depression, don’t accept it. Half the battle is lost when you accept that you have depression. You get caught up in the whirlwind of its misery and wallow deeper, deeper, deeper.

Find any distraction you can.
Run, write, walk, draw, socialize, read, watch.

Don’t think about how miserable you are.
Think about how miserable others should be, yet aren’t. Others who know no different to the daily sufferings they experience.
Your troubles are nothing really. Nothing in the grand scheme of things.
You don’t go to bed starving

This world is an amazing place, take comfort from that.
It’s also a very shit place, take comfort from that.
Be happy that you don’t have to experience ‘the shit.’ -Because you really don’t. You have it good.

Yes, I don’t know you, I don’t know what you’ve been through, so maybe I don’t know ‘if you have it good.’ But the fact you are reading this using a computer or laptop implies to me that you do. Or at the very least, you have the ability to make it good. If you suffer from depression due to something that happened in your childhood, an overly friendly uncle perhaps? Whilst yes, you experienced something awful. Stop and think. Do you really want what happened to ruin your one life on this world? You get one chance to make this life good, so make it. We take so much from our past that we forget the future. Your past shouldn’t inhibit you. It’s gone. It’ll never return. Your future should excite you. It’s coming. You can shape it.

“…… but you don’t understand, what I have is so much more, I try to fight it, but I can’t. It consumes me, I can’t do anything about it.” – Shut the fuck up.

If you’re really too depressed to help yourself get out of it. How about helping others?
– Help at a soup kitchen.
– Work with under-privileged kids.
– Volunteer at a hospice.

It will…
Perspective. In. Things. Put.


Toothache, the pain of all pains.

14 Dec

For those of you who have experienced a bad toothache, you’re probably aware that it causes more pain than rupturing your colon, whilst giving birth to octuplets, who all bare a striking resemblance of the late Pavarotti, ie…they’re all fat little cunts.

It. Is. Awful.

When you are unwell its normal to wrap yourself in a duvet and sleep the day away. Sweating, shivering… generally looking like a skaghead going cold turkey. When you have toothache however, sleep is off the cards. ‘It ain’t gunna happen.’ You try, but all you hear and feel, is ‘boom, boom, boom’ as your pulse chooses to play the bongos on the painful area. Paracetamol? Ibuprofen? Your toothache laughs at their feeble attempts to block the pain. It’s like putting Frodo Baggins and Baby Spice in a tag team match against Achilles and Hercules. There will be only one victor, and it isn’t the two little fuckers who are miserable due to their respective destroyed rings. If you feel I’m over exaggerating, you haven’t had a proper toothache. You’ve had a small one.

Dentists and prescription pain killers are the heroes in this story. Move aside Achilles, move aside Hercules. Captain Buck o’Hare and Super Ted have arrived. You may have heard the phrase ‘pain is just weakness leaving the body,’ whilst I’d love to go along with this sentiment, I can’t. It’s not weakness leaving the body. It’s your body letting you know who’s boss. You might force feed it any number of harmful narcotics, drink steadily until your liver cries ‘fuck off you cunt’ or smoke until your lungs are as black as that weirdo AIDS looking guy in ‘Lost,’ but ultimately it’s the boss. It decides when enough is enough, not you. So when you do get toothache, don’t see it as a ‘I must take better care of my teeth’ thing, see it as a declaration of war. Get a glass/mug/bucket and scream into it ‘This is Sparta’ or something equally intimidating. The echo will travel through your body, letting it know that you won’t be bullied, you won’t lay down your weapons and come quietly. You will fight, to the very end. You will fight.

If you read books using a kindle you’re not a ‘bit of a cunt,’ no, you’re a 100% CUNT.

4 Dec

To Kindle readers

Why?! When?! How?! Did you decide that buying a Kindle to read novels and such was a good idea. At what point did that (evidently retarded) brain of yours come to the conclusion that Kindle was the future of reading? I would happily stamp on your stupid fucking face, hap-pi-ly. You may think I’m being rather aggressive, I’m not. This is me controlling my anger. People who read using a Kindle should honestly do the world a favour and die, preferably by a painful suicide. I’m not going to give suggestions of how they should kill themselves because that wouldn’t be right, they should choose their own way of leaving this world, as long as they are hasty about it. Chop, chop, get to it. I really can not stand to see another CUNT on the train using one. Honestly who wants to spend about £120 on a thing that looks like a piece of shit? Which is exactly what it looks like. Shit. It’s not like all books are free afterwards or anything. No, you have to buy the books anyway. So why don’t you just buy the actual fucking book you absolute class A cretin? Or better still, get them from your local library. It’s an absolute disgrace how many libraries have closed down in the last 5-10 years, these are a staple point of our culture, our history. We need children to visit the library, become friends with the old whisker faced librarian ‘Doris’ and take pleasure in sliding their books over the magnetic check out seal. I envisage the future generations spending time playing games on their ‘ipad 20’ rather than settling down and enjoying a nice good read. It’s a bleak future for books, and Kindle is making it worse.

Why would you choose reading a book through a Kindle over an actual book? You can’t smell the pages on a fucking Kindle. You can’t do anything on a fucking Kindle. I lie actually, you can do one thing… you can ensure that I will ruin you if I see you reading one. In fact, can my readers make a pledge that if they see someone reading through a Kindle, that you will let them know that they are ‘a massive fucking cunt.‘ These people need to be told, any ‘It was a gift from someone’ doesn’t cut it. If you get any replies like this, grab them by the throat and tell them ‘that’s not good enough, you should have exchanged it, wheres the fucking recipt!?’

Anyway, if you are a good person, I’m sure before soon you will get to do this. If you happen to be arrested for it, you can inform the police that you were doing this on instructions from myself. I will take the flak, and if any Kindle readers have subsequently decided ‘he’s right, I should kill myself.‘ GOOD. Ensure you quote this article in any suicide note you write. I would like to be told, at least then I know I’ve achieved something writing this.

Remember people, you see a Kindle reader. Give them hell.
Kindle readers, fuck off and die. You are the worst kind of people.

To my followers who like their filth, I apoligize

30 Nov

Ok, so you might have noticed in the past week, the content of ‘The Gash Write’ has taken a somewhat different path. Rather than the normal route- skipping down a dark, dingy alley, witnessing (and performing) some rapes, jacking up on some heroin and throwing rocks at Muhammad (pbuh), it has crept down the ‘private road, no trespassing’ and reported on what really goes on in the respected Mr Fritzl’s basement. You may ask “why Fiddler Scribbler have you taken a different path? There were probably a few people you could have raped on your standard route.” Your right, there would’ve been. “You missed an opportunity to throw rocks at Muhammad(pbuh), that’s not like you!” Once again, you are right. So why, why, why did I take a different route? The reason is… I was fed up, not fed up of raping and throwing rocks at Muhammad(pbuh), nay, never. No, I was fed up of the deceit and lies we are spoon fed every day. We go about our life, striving to better it. We work in jobs we don’t like, we pay our taxes, we line the pockets of the filthy rich and we are treated like shit for it. Like shit. I don’t want to be eating or drinking something which has been proven to cause cancer. This isn’t a ‘we fear it could cause cancer’ thing, this is a ‘we know it causes cancer but we’re gunna keep it quiet, this worlds got too many people anyway. Particularly niggers, hispanics and fags’

How does it feel being a statistic? That’s what we are. Statistics. The people who have the power don’t care for you, they don’t care for your friend who has cancer, they don’t care that your grandma is having a torrid time making freshly baked scones due to her arthritis. They don’t care. Do you think that if a pharmaceutical company found out that injecting Calpol cured cancer they would let people know? Fuck would they! There’s no profit in that, and that is the plain and horrible truth. Money is more important than your life, your families lives and your local traffic wardens life (Admittedly, I’d probably swap a traffic wardens life for a piece of dark chocolate…and I fucking hate dark chocolate). So, whilst I do apologize profusely for veering from my standard content, I feel I have to. We, the people, are left in the dark about so many things. We hear what ‘the powers that be’ want us to hear, nothing else. All the little political scandals we hear of are exactly that, little. They are nothing compared to the actual truth that’s out there. So, if you have come on hoping for a little bit of filth I’m sorry to disappoint you. BUT rest assured once I’ve done with my YOU FUCKING CUNTS rants, I’ll be back. Normal service will resume. I will creep back into that dark and dingy alley, I will witness, I will perform, I will jack up and I will certainly throw rocks at that smelly Muhammad(pbuh). I eagerly anticipate my next Jihad

I wish people would get over their prejudice and just accept my girlfriend for who she is.

28 Oct

Recently I’ve been getting fed up at the amount of people who stare at my girlfriend whilst we’re out. I even had some bastard come up to us whilst we were kissing and tell me that I’m “disgusting to go out with someone like that.” Someone like that! This isn’t the 1930’s, the world has moved on since then. Why is it still so taboo to be with someone who isn’t the exactly the same as you? I like variety, I don’t need to have a carbon copy of myself to be happy, I need something different.

And that’s exactly what my girlfriend is, she’s different. Sure she doesn’t always get my jokes, we don’t like the exact same foods and as opposed to me she likes to get bed to early, but despite all our differences it works. It works really well. It means that I get to take on some of her culture, meet her friends (who are a lovely bunch, but they get a bit rowdy after a few drinks!) and generally just experience something new. BUT it does get me down seeing the amount of stares we get, people looking at me when I have my hand on her bum and people shouting at us when we kiss. I just don’t understand how people can be so narrow minded! Aren’t we taught to treat people the same regardless of colour, religious beliefs or disabilities?

It just makes me sad that in a so called ‘forward thinking accepting society’ I can’t kiss and touch up my girlfriend in public without people making a huge fuss about it. They need to grow up and accept that just because someone has down syndrome doesn’t mean they can’t have a loving (and sexually charged) relationship.

I have been bad

27 Oct

I have been bad. My regular updates have become… irregular, and for this I apologize. I understand that my absence has led to a few of my followers committing suicide and for this once again I apologize. The thing is… I’ve been busy. Doing nothing. You have n0 idea how time consuming this is!

What I can offer is my pledge to do better. To update more regularly, and for those of you who like ‘your filth’ I can tell you there will be some of that to come. For those of you who like pretty little tales about fairies and flowers, there is also that to come! You see I’ve changed, I’ve decided to appeal to the mass market. There’s going to be wonderful stories which will leave children gasping in delight. Parents will use ‘The Gash Write’ for bedtime stories, I mean who wouldn’t want their children reading about adventure tales about fairies? Fairies getting gang raped by a group of AIDS ravaged Turks.

Fuck the mass market, lets keep it rapey!

I’m really sorry to interupt your conversation, I just HAD to tell you that you’re a cunt.

18 Oct

I’ve been there. You’ve been. We’ve all been there. We’ve overheard someone talking next to us and we’ve thought ‘my oh my this man is an absolute cunt.’ But we leave it there, we only ‘think’ about it. We don’t help them out by letting them know how much of a cunt they are. This HAS to change. It simply has to.

If you had a large piece of cress or broccoli in between your front teeth you’d want to know. You wouldn’t want to walk around, talking, smiling, looking like this. People will assume your a peasant or have recently gone down on a herpes encrusted tramp cock. Ok, maybe not the latter, but you do look stupid. So surely you’d want somebody to stop you and say “look mate, you’ve got a big piece of ‘I don’t know what the fuck’ between your front teeth.” Sure it will be embarrassing in that moment, but aren’t you happy that you’ve been told about it? Aren’t you pleased that your no longer walking about looking like a twat? Yes you are, which brings us smoothly back to letting these people know they’re cunts. They would want to know.

You have to be clever about how you do it however. If you don’t get it right the first time it could mean that this person becomes more of a cunt. Nobody wants that, so it has to be subtle yet effective. There are few ways in which you can do this.

1. The Stalker
Start to follow them and get to know their routine. Also take photos of them whilst they’re shopping, filling up with petrol, watching tv etc… Once you have compiled a fair amount of photos and know their routine, break into their house and leave notes and these photos under their pillow, in their fridge, everywhere. Notes should say such things as “I’m watching you, soon you will die, yeah I suppose asparagus is my favourite, I gunna drink your blood etc…” Repeat every alternate week.

2. The Pink Panther
Break into their house and steal all of their possessions. Spray paint ‘this happened because your a cunt, do better’ on their lounge wall. Leave it two months for them to have aquired new possesions and do it again. Repeat every 2 months until they’ve made the desired improvement.

3. The Grim Reaper
Get your writing hat on and write an obituary for them. A good example of what to write would be. (Persons Name) died horrifically on (Your Choice Of Date). He/she leaves behind no-one who cared for them. Often known as the towns dickhead, (Persons Name) will be remembered for taking pleasure in annoying everyone that he/she could. His brother/sister who wish to remain unnamed for fear of people knowing they were related said ‘my brother/sister lived a life where they… blah blah blah, you get the idea.

4. The Iain Huntley
Kidnap them! Rent a van with a sliding side door, get a few big mates, drive up alongside them and bundle the fucker in. Make a quick getaway, ensuring that your balaclava’s are on at all times. Once you’ve got them in a very panicked state, sit them into a dark (preferably cold) room and shine a bright lamp in the face and tell them they are a massive cunt and they are about to pay for it. For optimum results keep them hostage for at least 72 hours during which you should go and threaten them 10 minutes of every hour. Once the 72 hours is complete, drop them off blindfolded, naked and with their hands bound on a fairly quiet road. Repeat every 3 months. IF you still aren’t getting the required results add a few drops of acid onto the back of their necks and play them white noise… or if you really hate this person play them the Black Eyed Peas.

5. The John Wayne
The most simple and admittedly boring way of achieving your aim. Straight shooting. ‘Look I’m not meaning to be rude, but everyone thinks your a bit of a dick and your not going to have anybody unless you change your ways. Seriously you need to change your ways, otherwise your going to end up a very sad and lonely old man who’s only sexual activity will be stray cats coming to skull fuck your decomposing body.’

Finally someone who deserves to get hurt, gets hurt!

23 Sep

The 'fall man' himself. Doing another one of his 'causes.' Yeah right mate, like anyone believes you actually care. You only foster for the money!

Today I experienced the joy of watching someone fall over in front of me. They fell to the floor, tesco bags thrown askew, potatoes running amok, beer can pierced, spraying, spraying, spraying. Oh what a chuckle. A chuckle indeed, for who should this unfortunate soul be? A pensioner. Nay, I jest. It happens to be a rather unpleasant chap who lives opposite me. He associates himself with all the wrong types. You know, the kosher eaters with the big HILARIOUS sideburns. That’s not the only reason I find him a most disagreeable chap, no. He has so many unacceptable qualities! The other day for example, he was laughing about with this group of blacks and they made such an almighty racket. I like a laugh as much of the next woman, but he should have known that a group of blacks would make a lot of noise. Regardless of whatever community work he was doing, he should have seen that his incessant torrent of good jokes to these ‘underprivileged teens’ would cause this. It’s just selfish on his part to only think about himself and his voluntary work. It was 2pm on a Saturday afternoon! Some people have had a long hard week collecting Job Seekers allowance, and the one night they allow themselves time off to get out and relax, the very next day some volunteer cunt jokes about with kids outside their window. Some people!

It’s not even like it’s the first time he’s disturbed me whilst I was resting. One time I’m just chilling, I’ve had a tiring afternoon of waxing my legs, having a face mask and reading OK! magazine, when this inconsiderate fuck comes round and asks if I want to sponsor him running to Scotland and back for the children’s hospice he also volunteers at. The fucking cheek of it! I let him know that currently I was running low on money and that I hoped he did better with others than  he did with me, when the arrogant cunt says he’s ‘currently I’ve raised £44,000 but I’m looking to raise £100,000.’ Just shows the narcissistic bastards been sponging off people, which I fucking hate! To be honest I think that’s what I hate about him most, he’s always looking to get money off you. Fucking sponger. Last time I went down to collect my Job Seekers he was outside the town hall campaigning and collecting for Cancer Research. He’s always doing stuff like this. Always trying to speak to me and charm me. Always talking about how to help these different causes. Blah, blah, blah. Popping up and handing me a fiver in Tesco when my card got rejected, and refusing to accept it back a day later. The cunt.

So when he fell. Falling, falling, falling. I stepped aside. I didn’t catch him. I didn’t help pick up his potatoes. I didn’t help mop up his bleeding head, chin and hand. I just left. Satisfied.

Evidently… There is a God.

Remember some of the worst days in your life? This was one of mine

15 Sep

It was one of the hardest moments of my life. I sat next to my friend in hospital. Beep. Beep. Beep. Waiting to hear what the results of the test were. Beep. Beep. Beep. Hoping beyond all hope that they would come back with good results. Beep. Beep. Beep. So there I sat, watching as the busy hospital staff went here, there and everywhere. Except not actually here, we were left alone. Me worried, my friend fading. Now I don’t know if it’s because of hindsight but I swear I remember catching weird glances from the doctors as they went by. They already knew the results. I imagine they were just plucking up the courage to reveal the extent of my friends illness.

It was whilst my friend (who was now sweating profusely) was sleeping that the doctor dealing with him finally came up and spoke to me. He was a nice guy, but I feel he took the easy option in leaving it to me to tell my friend the results. I know that they have a hard enough job as it is, but they are trained for things like this. I didn’t know what to do in this situation, because what he had told me left me stunned. I couldn’t believe it and I certainly was not looking forward to being the one to break the bad news. I said thank you to the doctor and was left to stew on how I would break it to my friend when he woke. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, in fact I knew it would be fucking awful.

When he did wake, he asked if the results had come back and I don’t know why I did it but I lied and said no. He smiled and said ‘well no news is better than bad news, if it was serious they’d know about it by now.’ My heart didn’t break but the barrier holding back my tears did. They came pouring down my face, the streams intertwining like the smoke clouds of the red arrows. His smile faltered and he started to look worried. After at least a minute of ‘time-out’ (not the magazine) to pull myself together I then proceeded to tell him the diagnosis. His questions came out thick and fast. ‘Is that why I’m sweating so much? Is it advanced? Can they cure it? How long have I got?’ I answered all of what the doctor had told me. I admit, I expected to see my friend crumble into pieces, but the warrior that this boy is made him do the opposite. He said fuck it, smiled and then made some jokes about it. ‘I knew I’d get there first! Well, I’ll be able to tell you all about it before you get there! I always knew I’d get fucked.’

If any of you have had a friend turn into a vagina then I know your pain, my friend did as well. But when we look back on it, remember that friend for all that was good in him/her. Just because someone turns into a vagina doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t still hold a place in your heart.

A heart and a vagina are pretty much just the same.
One keeps you alive, the other keeps you sane.
Unless your a homosexual, you colon warrior you.
Taking a brave route, with imminent danger of poo.

Not forgetting you lesbo’s, who do the world so proud.
I’m a fan of your videos. Well, when the volumes set to loud.
Moan, moan, grunt, grunt. Slippy. Slidey. Slap.
Grunt, grunt, moan, moan. Vagina gushes like a tap.

Saving my virginity for the right man is important to me.

5 Sep

I’m not a religious crack pot. I don’t believe in ‘no sex before marriage,’ I think that’s stupid. Sexual compatibility is a big thing in any relationship. I wouldn’t want to wait till I’m married to find out that my husband has about as much sexual potency as a celibate panda, and thus I’m stuck in a marriage without a healthy physical side. But I do believe in no sex before love. Too many girls are too keen to drop their knickers at the very first opportunity, it’s not woman-like and its not nice. I have lots of male friends who tell me that whilst ‘sluts’ have their advantages (I’ll let you gather what these are), they do not command any respect amongst boys and their friends. They are seen as a ‘I’m really drunk and horny, fuck it, I’ll fuck her, she’s a slag…’

I would never like to think of myself as being thought of like that. So whenever I get a little bit of stick for being ‘frigid’ or a girl who ‘doesn’t put out,’ I remind myself of this and I don’t let it get to me. I find it important that I don’t just give away something I can never get back. I want to look back on my life and be pleased about the decisions I’ve made. Undoubtedly I will look back and regret some decisions, but my decision to save my virginity until I feel love will not be one. I have at times felt pressured into doing it, I mean almost all of my friends have done it and it’s all they seem to talk about now! Who’s fucking who, blah blah blah. I’ve had people tell me to ‘just get it out of the way’ and then find the one you love, but that to me is so wrong. I’m a shy girl as it is, so to imagine being so intimate with someone who I didn’t love and trust completely is in no way whatsoever appealing. It’s just not me.

I’m not in any way bitching at the girls who don’t save it for the right person. It’s their virginity, not mine! People should go with their hearts. If it feels wrong, then don’t do it, if it does, then by all means get involved, enjoy yourself! But be careful! Some of my friends have had boys sleep with them and then never speak to them again. I myself thought at one point that the time might be right for me, but it turned out that this boy was just a twat who was apparently doing it for a bet! The male species can be horrible, horrible, horrible! So be careful girls, remember that what we have, every boy wants. But what they want, is often not what we want.

I’m proud to say I’m a virgin and I will be until I find the right person. No compromises!