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The Jewish People Have Endured So Much, What I’m Going To Put Them Through Is Nothing

20 Sep

It’s hard not to be moved when you think about the plight of the Jewish people and all that they’ve been through. No other faith has shown such courage, such unrelenting fight and determination, in the face of so many obstacles. What the brave sons and daughters of Zion have managed to endure is really nothing short of astounding. So astounding, in fact, that what I’m about to put them through later on tonight will hardly even matter.

Consider all the hardships the children of Israel have confronted in the last century alone. The discrimination, the persecution, the years of bloodshed, turbulence, and strife. And, after you’ve done that, consider how insignificant my dumping paint on a couple of their brand-new cars, most likely between the hours of 9 p.m. and 10 p.m., will be in comparison. Why, it’s practically a drop in the bucket, what I’m going to do to them!

After all, what’s a little harassment—a little slashing of the tires, a little keying of the side doors, a little epithet here and there, scrawled on a slip of paper and tucked beneath a windshield wiper—to a people who were almost wiped off the face of the earth? Thousands of years of needless suffering the Jewish people have experienced. Trust me, another three or four days of it won’t even register on their radar. Not even another four or five days of it, if I get on a really good roll.

I find it so inspiring, the way the Jews have managed to persevere, seemingly against all odds. Quite telling of their amazing never-give-up spirit, their deep and abiding inner strength. When you sit down after, say, emptying a trash can all over the front lawn of a local synagogue, and really mull it over, you can’t help but admire these incredible people. How do they do it? How do they find the will to continue, the will to rise above and prevail, despite all the things I yell at them?

Not that what I’m planning to do to the Jews will test their faith or anything like that. In fact, the kind of ugly intolerance I have planned for this evening will be a cakewalk for God’s chosen people. I could probably set fire to a string of mailboxes, and then run off giggling into the night, and it would still pale in comparison to the centuries of suffering these poor men and women have faced. If anything, my plan to urinate on a couple of flowerbeds will be a welcome reprieve from the sort of horrific bigotry the Jews have known. “Thank you for not running us out of Spain,” they will say. “We very much appreciate your not enslaving us by the millions!” “How can we ever repay this act of relative kindness?” This is what the Jews would tell me, if they were capable of showing any gratitude.

Frankly, I’m offended at the suggestion that the things I’ve been doing even fall into the same category as the countless trials these resilient people have overcome. Lumping my behavior in with three millennia of adversity not only insults me, but trivializes every burden, every blow, every bruise the Jews have had to bear. This kind of ignorance, myopic and insensitive, is exactly why the Jews still deal with prejudice to this very today. Or, for instance, last week, when I threw a bunch of tomatoes at their homes. It’s an absolute outrage and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

I doubt my Jewish neighbors will even notice how I’ll be destroying their personal property as they sleep soundly in their beds. They’ll wake up the next morning, check to see if they’ve been boarded onto cattle cars headed for Poland, and, realizing that they have not, continue on with the rest of their day. And that…that is when I’ll sneak up from behind and knock a couple of their yarmulkes from their heads.

Jeff Simmons.


There’s a very good chance… that your mum was a slaaaaag

25 Aug

The Jeremy Kyle show beauty pageant.

27 Jul

Aquafresh, keeping you smiling!

Miss Manchester 2011

Vicky, Vicky, you make me sicky

Wh..wh…wha…what’s up Doc?

Is it a bird? Is it a plane? Is it the sun? No, it's the height of grimness

I'd actually prefer to fuck the Mum

I have one breast a lot larger than the other, am I a freak?

19 Jul

If you a genuinely searching about this because you suffer from it, then I suggest it is best that you don’t read further, this is a satirical blog and might offend/upset you. A website you can check out is, which will give you further information.

If they look like the Willy Wonka’s above then yes my dear, you are a freak, a massive one. If however there is only a subtle difference then you have nothing to worry about, it’s quite common. Get it out of your head and learn to love both your little breast and your large. Equally.

If you are similar to ‘mutant a’ above then may I offer my most sincere condolences for your misfortune. You are a sufferer of ‘Poland syndrome.’ I have never to my knowledge met one of your kind before. I suppose I must have assumed that Professor X with Wolverine, Storm and the rest of the gang had rounded you all up. Or failing that, you had been snatched from your beds at night by ‘the government’ to perform scientific experiments on you. I mean you could be dangerous, someone could harness your mutant ability and it could be used as to help feed a Clone army. A Clone army that could rise up and rule this world. A Clone army that relies on the goodness that exists within you and your mutant sisters larger breast. You would be at the forefront of society, someone of great importance, you could honestly do whatever you wanted to… Well with whatever free time you would have after the 8-12 hours a day of serious milking, but wouldn’t it all be worth it just to have the nickname 0f ‘Cravendale?’ Yes, yes it would. But…

Whilst it might seem a dream to live the highly comfortable and respected life of a super milker for a Clone army it does have its drawbacks. Over time it could be that the Clone army developed into preferring SMA or cows milk and in all honesty they probably would grow to prefer other types of milk. Whilst they might not be as full of goodness, it does mean that they wouldn’t have to suckle from a pair of breasts that resemble Laurel and Hardy.

Now joking aside I want you to know that your freakish breasts are not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. This is where I like to think we are sharing what I call a ‘Good Will Hunting’ moment. I imagine your are crying, hugging your screen and are extremely appreciative of what a fantastic thing I have done for you. Do I want you to thank me again and again and again? No, I don’t want that, I don’t need to validate that I’ve done an amazing thing for you, I know that already. Do I at least want a small thank you? Yeah I suppose so, everyone deserves a thank you when they’ve done a good job. I have through our ‘Good Will Hunting’ moment given you the tools to go on and be happy with your life and your wonky tonkies.

If in some way and I don’t see how it can’t of, but if in some way I have not helped you and you are not entirely satisfied with your David and Goliath (and I can completely understand why you wouldn’t be, I mean who would?) then you have a two different options you can take. One which is tried and tested and is world wide renown and the other a lesser known option.

1. The first and most obvious way to combat it – Visit Poland. You probably have this because you haven’t visited Poland before, it’s the complete opposite of Stockholm syndrome.

2. The lesser known option is to have corrective surgery, this could be covered by the NHS, as despite it being a breast operation it’s not seen as a ‘vanity thing,’ rather a ‘get this fucking freakish thing off me.’

What makes Muslim people tick?

15 Jul

Well as wonderfully demonstrated by the diagram above, it’s most likely their rucksack.

Now this may come across as ignorant racism and I suppose it could easily be taken as that, but fear not because it’s not! It’s just plain racism. So I hope that any worries you might have been experiencing at witnessing ‘ignorant racism’ have been well and truly quenched. Now, onto the racism. I personally do not view it as ‘actual’ racism, I see it as innocently humoring myself and others… at the expense of others… but honestly, how is that any different to us laughing at wierdo’s on tv? Ok admittedly, their not being laughed at because of what race they are, it’s more how much of a dick they are making of themselves. But aren’t some Muslims making dicks of themselves? Aren’t some of them strapping explosives to themselves with the intention of killing others? Yes they are, and these people should be ridiculed. Ridiculed! What fools they are, Allah must be dead proud that you’ve succeeded in killing over 10 children under 8, dead proud. I’m sure he’ll deliver you your 72 virgins as promised, but wait oh no there is not ONE mention of that in the Qur’an. Allah thinks your a cunt. You’ve embarrassed yourself, your family and your religion. Your a disgrace.

But let there be amongst you Traffic and trade by mutual good-will: Nor kill (or destroy) yourselves: for verily God hath been to you Most Merciful! If any do that in rancour and injustice,- soon shall We cast them into the Fire: And easy it is for God. Qur’an 4:29 – 4:30

Now let me tell you where I stand. I’m pro-Islam, I have a number of Muslim friends (myspace friends obviously, not actual friends, I mean I do have a reputation to up hold), and they are all lovely people. I’ve said it before in a previous post, its the ignorance of others which taints them with the poo brush. The fact that some of them use their left hand for wiping their arse doesn’t help, but at least they’re being green. They probably feel that they have to make up for the gas emissions those curry farts give out.

Anyway, before I get any more people declaring Jihad’s on me, I’ll leave it there. But, people be able to laugh at yourself. Be able to look at the stereotypes of your people, be it Jews, Muslims, Darkies or Whites and just say ‘hmmm, some of these do exist, wow. I guess I should smile now, oh brilliant’ and then smile. If we can’t laugh at ourselves then we can’t love ourselves, be comfortable in your life, your religion and your people. And finally… be happy and God/Allah/Jehovah/blah blah blah bless you. *yawn


Why Muhammad should stop wearing sandals.

6 Jul

They are dangerous! Research has shown that the thin soles and the need to grasp the shoes onto our feet force us to walk differently, and cause problems with legs, knees, hips and backs. The lack of support offered by them can cause problems with arches and heels. Not to mention the lack of natural protection that a pair of sandals provide. Say for example someone was to have dropped a large amount of halal meat/a statue/a largeprint Koran onto his foot, it would have swelled up and hurt a great deal. It’s not like they had paracetamol to relieve the pain back then either. Never mind the fact that it’s unlikely he’d have a Bentley chauffeur to transport him around, he would have had no option but to walk to each of his reputably enthralling sermons.

Now if that isn’t enough to deal with, it also dramatically increases the chance of skin cancer. I believe it’s something to do with the sun hitting an area that is usually well covered, however, in retrospect perhaps Muhammad would have been fine. He would have probably had his feet out in the sun from a young age, and in fact with even further consideration they might (and probably were) have been covered by a large amount of coarse hair, hobbit-like feet if you will. So ok, admittedly the danger from sun rays would be limited, Muhammad would probably not have to worry about slapping the factor 50 over his Frodo feet. However I do believe the risks that Muhammad is leaving himself open to by wearing sandals is really not worth the fuss. He could easily replace them with some tasty ‘Air Jordans’ or something, I hear he took 20% of the Muslims booty. Quite an impressive chunk if I might say so myself, though admittedly I am comparing this to the fact that some of the dragons on TV’s Dragons Den go away with less.

However if, if, he really needs to wear them, say for example, the Air Jordans didn’t work out, they got too sweaty or his Frodo feet didn’t fit in them (he could use Veet hair removal?) then he could continue to wear them providing he stuck to the following guidelines.

1. He shouldn’t walk long distances in them – they’re really made for walking along the beach or by the pool, not for long strolls between sermons

2. He should choose sandals with with thick soles, which would provide more cushion for his Frodo feet and would also provide protecting for him from sharp objects that he might encounter on the street or where ever he found himself.

3. Keep his hairy feet, they could be providing protection from any suspicious moles he might have.

4. He should stretch alot. The trouble the sandals are causing to his feet, hips and back can be combated by incorporating yoga into his five daily prayers.

5. Use athletes foot powder, sandals breed bacteria.

Other than that if Muhammad wants to wear sandals, then who am I to say he shouldn’t. Honestly who am I? This man was born without a foreskin, was I? No. In fact I still have two, they’ve however been surprisingly useful, its like having your own personal allotment to grow things in. The current crop is mushrooms… and lots of them.

Marrying a 6 year old however Muhammad? tut tut tut…naughty naughty

Why my uncle raping me never affected my life

24 Jun

It didn’t affect me… because I didn’t let it. And also the fact that it didn’t happen, that helped a lot too.

So if you find yourself looking at ‘a penis in the mouth’ as a rather favourable thing, stop. You might not be gay. Ask yourself some questions. How well do I know my uncle? Is he a friendly man? Did he insert his penis into me?

If I have offended anyone then I must apologize. I’m sorry for the fact that your uncle was friendlier than mine, that he showed you love and showered you with affection (and copious amounts of semen). I suppose what I’m really trying to say is…

“We all have different ways of showing love”

Why I don’t like Turkish people

23 Jun

I don’t like them because I got over-charged for a kebab. A whole extra £1.80! It was only meant to have cost £3.20! The bloody cheek of it. I feel like I can never trust another Turkish person again.

Did I trust them implicitly in the first place? Honestly? No.

Sure, I could trust them to rustle together a tasty kebab, though even then, I’ve had some bad kebab experiences… But could I honestly trust them with my money? Or worse still, with my girlfriend? No, I could not. Though I’m sure if I knew them as a friend then of course I could. So perhaps it’s not a case of me not trusting them because they’re Turkish but a case of me not trusting them because I don’t know them. Why fantastic! That is a worry off my mind! It’s nothing racist, it’s just a case of me not having a friend who’s Turkish. I will get onto this. Soon. Maybe I’ll even be-friend a few… but let’s not get too carried away, 3 max. But who knows? Maybe I can even get a cheaper kebab?

There’s a world of advantages out there to be had, so do something for me will you? Find yourself a friend from a different country, learn to trust them, learn a little about his/her culture and just generally express an interest- they’ll love it! Or not, you can never tell with these foreigners. Sneaky fuckers.

When is it acceptable to have an incestrous encounter?

20 Jun

Emma flashing her Weasley

When your sister is Emma Watson. Then you are allowed to go to TOWN on it.

Other than that, there are not many occasions when it’s considered acceptable.  On new years eve it is, but that goes without saying really, pretty much everyone knows that. But that’s about all folks, that’s about all.

It’s quite a boring existence when you think about it.

Quite a shit existence.

Unless your Emma Watson’s brother. Lucky cunt

You will not understand this

17 Jun

Looking back on it you see that it was clearly there to be seen. Yet only some of us noticed it, a select few of us who saw it coming.  But not many of us, not many of us at all. Oft and often I have wondered why so many people failed to notice it. Why so many people could not see it when it was ‘bang smash whallop’ in front of them.  

Now, I am not attacking this unobservant mass in any way.  They do what they do, and I do what I do. They say what they say, and I say what I say.  ‘Blah Blah Blah,’ you get the picture. They, however would not ‘get the picture.’ They wouldn’t even see a picture, they’d see a blur. Of course if the picture is a picture of a blur then perhaps they’d see it, but even then I don’t think so. Why?

Because they don’t look.
Because they don’t smell.
Because they don’t  hear.
Because they don’t taste.
Because they don’t touch. 

I am not talking about blind, deaf, amputees who have no taste or smell. No, I’m talking about people who have all their senses yet don’t use them. Now I can imagine you are questioning how and why these people live without using their 5 senses. Well the answer is simple. They don’t. They don’t exist. I made it up. Are you satisified?

Sometimes it’s very hard to reach around our pride
And sometimes it’s hard to touch the feelings deep inside
But this time we can make it together if you want to
Satisfy me and I’ll satisfy you

Satisfy meeeee and I’ll satisfy you
I will do anything that your are willing to do
Satisfy meeeee and I’ll satisfy you
You just take one step darlin, I’ll take two

Sunshine and happy days will come again for sure
Just be mine and I’ll always been yours
Try me just one more time but this time let’s see it through
Just satisfy me and I’ll satisfy you

Satisfy meeeee and I’ll satisfy you
I will do anything and more that you are willing to do
Satisfy meeeee and I’ll satisfy you
You just take one step darlin, I’ll take two”