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Jesus invented the face-fuck.

9 Mar

"Now watch. See how I hold the back of his head? Grip tight and thrust"

"In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost, bite the pillow."

"Sorry son. No coons. I've got 12 AIDS as it is."

"Better than the last nailing I got. I had to wait 3 days for the resurErection."


Cop out!!!

22 Jan

And I wonder if you know, how it really feels?

16 Jan

And I wonder if you know how it really feels,
to be left outside alone, when it’s cold out here?
Well maybe you should know, just how it feels
to be left outside alone, to be left outside alone.

All my life I’ve been waiting for you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning, it’s not ok. I don’t feel safe
I need to pray.

Left broken empty in despair
Wanna breath, can’t find air
Thought you were sent from up above
But you and me never had love
So much more I have to say
Help me find a way

And I wonder if you know how it really feels,
to be left outside alone, when it’s cold out here?
Well maybe you should know, just how it feels
to be left outside alone, to be left outside alone.

All my life I’ve been waiting for you to bring a fairytale my way
Been living in a fantasy without meaning, it’s not ok. I don’t feel safe
I need to pray.

Why do you play me like a game?
Always someone else to blame
Careless, helpless little man
Someday you might understand
There’s not much more to say
But I hope you find a way

Remember child of God, there is little to fear when the Lord is there. Give yourself to the Lord God Almighty and he will protect you from anything and everything. Despite this you should avoid bad areas where there’s a chance you might get mugged, raped or murdered. Or all three. Also make sure you’re not born in Africa or any low developed country. Also make sure you are not born into a Muslim family or any other religion (other than Judaism, I think God sympathizes with them for having to dress like twats). Also make sure you attend church every week. Also make sure you donate regularly. Also make sure you pray often and only give your love to God.

Also. Also. Also.
God should come with a disclaimer. The narcissistic cunt.

Contemplating the existence of a ‘God.’

16 Dec

When I look up to the sky at night sometimes I do wonder ‘can our existence just be a coincidence? Are we here just through luck or is there a greater purpose?’ There are so many beautiful things on this planet, surely there has to be some type of creator of all this? An architect.

If you consider such things as the golden ratio and the Fibonacci sequence, these are prevalent in nature. Almost everything revolves around them, including our own DNA and bone structure. It’s almost like ‘God’ (lets take it that he/she/it exists) has designed us and our planet using a computer. He/she/it has written an algorithm on how it should be designed, pressed ‘create,’ it renders and from it we and everything around us are sprung.

Why, if we are to believe that there is no creator, does nature exist strictly using these fundamental design principles? This isn’t just about ‘how many rings a tree stump has’ or ‘how many seeds a sunflower has,’ this is about everything. Even reproduction. If you take bees for example, their reproduction follows the Fibonacci sequence. Firstly you should know that males bees are produced by the queen’s unfertilized eggs, so they have only a mother, there is no father. The female bee however, has both a father and a mother. Now if you take one male bee, how many parents he has, how many grand-parents, great-grand-parents and so on… You see that the number of bees of each generation follow the Fibonacci series exactly. This applies to both males and females, as well in almost every other species. It just seems like there is a design behind all this. Almost like this is in fact ‘a matrix’ world.

I’d almost take this as prove that a God does indeed exist. But not the God that Christians, Muslims, Jews… blah blah blah believe in. I feel that the God they believe in is a fictitious God created by man to instill rules for people to be governed. To strike fear into people to make them abide by rules. ‘If you do this you’ll burn in hell for eternity, if you don’t do this you’ll burn… blah blah blah.’ The people who have written these rules have no right or permission from ‘God’ to do this. God has not given us rules. We have given ourselves rules. I should add that I’m not against many of these rules, they are there to make us more considerate and better human beings. I’m against this ‘our religion is right, yours is wrong, you will burn…’

If God exists he/she/it isn’t the head of any religion, they are merely a designer. In this vast Universe is it beyond belief that perhaps planet Earth is merely a project for ‘far more advanced’ beings? That the design of Earth was merely work, in the same way that an animator who has designed Toy Story 3 is work? I don’t see why that is any less believable than the fundamental beliefs of the ‘back story’ of other religions. People let their lives be ruled by what some men (who didn’t practice what they preached) wrote hundreds and hundreds of years ago. If God existed you don’t need to praise him/her/it for them to accept you. You just need to take care of this beautiful planet they designed for us, and for all nature. Lets take Muslims for example, they are required to pray 5 times a day and fast for a month in order to satisfy their God. Yet many don’t recycle, many will drive to something only one mile away rather than walking. Is that taking care of this planet provided for you? No, its not. I’m sure God in his/her/its infinite wisdom would prefer them to cut down on the praying and sharpen up on protecting this world (if I get more Jihads for saying this, fuck off! Do the world a favour, become a suicide bomber, but only kill yourself. What I’m saying applies to all religions but the fact Muslims pray 5 times a day made it a better example and that’s why they were used).

God is who you want God to be, not what you are told they are. Live your life happy, follow your own heart and live by the moral compass instilled in you. If you do this then no God can be angry with you, and if they are, then that’s not the type of God you want to be associating with anyway. Be happy, don’t worry, enjoy yourself. There’s as much chance that we are a creation of a spotty alien computer geek as we are a creation of God.

Lies, Spies, Stress and Scientology

13 Oct

So you may have noticed that I’ve been away for a while. I haven’t left you, I was merely busy… infiltrating. That’s right, infiltrating. Over the last week or so I have spent a large amount of time at Saint Hill Manor in East Grinstead. For those of you who don’t know this is pretty much the ‘Mecca’ for Scientologist’s. It’s like what fried chicken is to black people, what gold is to Jews and what bomb filled rucksacks are to Muslims. It’s everything.

Some of you may be wondering if you have ever met a scientologist before. Well, I’ve found an easy formula to work it out is by asking yourself ‘have I met any wierdo’s in my life?’ If the answer is yes, then yes, you’ve most likely met one. I’m not saying that all weirdos are scientologists, no no. But are all scientologists weirdos? Yes yes.

Actually I retract that statement. No, no fuck it, I retract my retraction. I was having second thoughts about labelling them weirdos, I mean I spent almost a full week with these people and I got on well enough with them. Sure they won’t be getting any invites to any of my infamous ‘skag and slag parties’ in the future but I was able to talk to them… Without them going on about their beliefs, which is quite a refreshing change to the regular religious nuts that knock on your door. I was however put through a ‘stress test’ which really demonstrated the amount of stress I am currently dealing with. An unfathomable amount! If only there was a way in which I could alleviate this crushing stress. Get rid of it before it ruins me. Maybe a book I could buy? Maybe there’s even an organisation I could give lots of money to in order to help me.

Oh wait. There is a book. There is an organisation. The same organisation who told me I have this stress. I mean I wasn’t aware of it before, I thought I was perfectly happy. The fact that the woman just kept on turning various dials until my ‘stress levels’ peaked didn’t leave me suspicious. Neither did her unintelligible mumble when asked about what the various dials did. And why would I become suspicious of a religion who’s founder, a science fiction author wrote “writing for a penny a word is ridiculous. If a man really wants to make a million dollars, the best way would be to start his own religion.” 

As a religion teaching the dangers of greed and the need for compassion, you’d have thought that they would give their teachings away for free. My Jehovah Witness friends certainly do. Also why are each of these ‘must read’ books so expensive? Why is it even considered a religion? It has nothing to do with God.

I can’t imagine that it’s due to the tax exemption religious organizations have.

Anyway I could go on and on about the short comings of this ‘religion,’ but I’d be here forever, so I’ll cut a long story short. My week infiltrating the ‘scienos’ led to me being cordially invited to attend the 27th International Association of Scientologists banquet. That’s right… James Bond has nothing on me.

I’ll let you know how it goes.

The Jewish People Have Endured So Much, What I’m Going To Put Them Through Is Nothing

20 Sep

It’s hard not to be moved when you think about the plight of the Jewish people and all that they’ve been through. No other faith has shown such courage, such unrelenting fight and determination, in the face of so many obstacles. What the brave sons and daughters of Zion have managed to endure is really nothing short of astounding. So astounding, in fact, that what I’m about to put them through later on tonight will hardly even matter.

Consider all the hardships the children of Israel have confronted in the last century alone. The discrimination, the persecution, the years of bloodshed, turbulence, and strife. And, after you’ve done that, consider how insignificant my dumping paint on a couple of their brand-new cars, most likely between the hours of 9 p.m. and 10 p.m., will be in comparison. Why, it’s practically a drop in the bucket, what I’m going to do to them!

After all, what’s a little harassment—a little slashing of the tires, a little keying of the side doors, a little epithet here and there, scrawled on a slip of paper and tucked beneath a windshield wiper—to a people who were almost wiped off the face of the earth? Thousands of years of needless suffering the Jewish people have experienced. Trust me, another three or four days of it won’t even register on their radar. Not even another four or five days of it, if I get on a really good roll.

I find it so inspiring, the way the Jews have managed to persevere, seemingly against all odds. Quite telling of their amazing never-give-up spirit, their deep and abiding inner strength. When you sit down after, say, emptying a trash can all over the front lawn of a local synagogue, and really mull it over, you can’t help but admire these incredible people. How do they do it? How do they find the will to continue, the will to rise above and prevail, despite all the things I yell at them?

Not that what I’m planning to do to the Jews will test their faith or anything like that. In fact, the kind of ugly intolerance I have planned for this evening will be a cakewalk for God’s chosen people. I could probably set fire to a string of mailboxes, and then run off giggling into the night, and it would still pale in comparison to the centuries of suffering these poor men and women have faced. If anything, my plan to urinate on a couple of flowerbeds will be a welcome reprieve from the sort of horrific bigotry the Jews have known. “Thank you for not running us out of Spain,” they will say. “We very much appreciate your not enslaving us by the millions!” “How can we ever repay this act of relative kindness?” This is what the Jews would tell me, if they were capable of showing any gratitude.

Frankly, I’m offended at the suggestion that the things I’ve been doing even fall into the same category as the countless trials these resilient people have overcome. Lumping my behavior in with three millennia of adversity not only insults me, but trivializes every burden, every blow, every bruise the Jews have had to bear. This kind of ignorance, myopic and insensitive, is exactly why the Jews still deal with prejudice to this very today. Or, for instance, last week, when I threw a bunch of tomatoes at their homes. It’s an absolute outrage and you should all be ashamed of yourselves.

I doubt my Jewish neighbors will even notice how I’ll be destroying their personal property as they sleep soundly in their beds. They’ll wake up the next morning, check to see if they’ve been boarded onto cattle cars headed for Poland, and, realizing that they have not, continue on with the rest of their day. And that…that is when I’ll sneak up from behind and knock a couple of their yarmulkes from their heads.

Jeff Simmons.

Contemplating a conscious conscience. No. Pardon? Yes, yes.

30 Aug

I once contemplated contemplating, it was a real moment of contemplation. Of clarity even, yes clarity! Nay, nay purity! Purity! O’ heaven, how pure it was. Pure as a crisp winter morning. Rubicon passion fruit, frost tipped roses and nursery car parks. Hmm hmm. Then it came, it rose. An energy. An energy soaring through me like an eagle through the sky! Something charging through me like a Pamplona bull mad with AIDS. I felt it. O’ how I felt it. I felt it my brother. I felt my whole divine conscience in a mist like form circling me. Swirling around and against my cold naked body. Pale. It looks pale in the moonlight. My conscience swirling ever more. Around, against… and in me. Like a tornado, no holes barred, all orifices used. In one, out another. Recycles, recycles, recycles. Mouth, bad taste. Urgh bad taste, mouth. So I relaxed, I listened and then I heard. A voice guiding me, no audio, no noise, nothing, yet a voice. A voice. In that moment I spoke to God. God came to me and I felt his love, his anger and his forgiveness. God showed me the error of my ways, and I in return showed him his. Also, you should probably fuck off now. Bye.

Colours of day dawn into the mind
The sun has come up, the night is behind
Go down in the city, into the street
And let’s give the message to the people we meet

So light up the fire and let the flame burn
Open the door, let Jesus return
Take seeds of His Spirit, let the fruit grow
Tell the people of Jesus, let His love show

Go through the park, on into the town
The sun still shines on, it never goes down
The light of the world is risen again
The people of darkness are needing a friend

So light up the fire and let the flame burn
Open the door, let Jesus return
Take seeds of His Spirit, let the fruit grow
Tell the people of Jesus, let His love show

Open your eyes, look into the sky
The darkness has come, the sun came to die
The evening draws on, the sun disappears
But Jesus is living, His Spirit is near

So light up the fire and let the flame burn
Open the door, let Jesus return
Take seeds of His Spirit, let the fruit grow
Tell the people of Jesus, let His love show

I’m partial to a nice bit of cod

30 Aug

The ‘Virgin’ Mary. Un-fucking-likely.

26 Aug

Picture it, you’ve just come home from a long day at work. Your tired, you’ve got wooden shavings in your beard and your fingers are sore with blisters. Then your young fiancee (who has been away with her friend for a few months) tells you that despite being a virgin…she’s pregnant. What would you do? I know that if I was as skilled a carpenter as Joseph I’d most likely whittle up a quick coffin for a hasty burial for the cheating little bitch.

BUT Mary had an explanation… She was pregnant with the child of God. She knew this because an Angel had visited her and told her. I would have loved to have seen Joseph’s face as she told him this! Initially Joseph thought about breaking off the engagement and even of sending Mary off to be stoned (not your good ‘lets get blazed stoned,’ just your ‘throwing rocks at someone until they’re dead’ stoned.) Whilst contemplating what he should do, Joseph was visited by an Angel who reassured him that Mary had been impregnated by the Holy Spirit. Now is it just me or do you think that maybe Mary spiked him with either ketamine, opium or magic mushrooms, got dressed up as an angel and told him this? I’ll tell you something for nothing (though donations are welcome), Jeremy Kyle would have seen through Mary’s lies immediately!  Joseph however (all credit to the simpleton) decided to accept what Mary and the magic mushroom induced Angel had told him despite the public humiliation he would face. I must say that I feel sorry for Joseph, he was obviously just a nice guy who got taken for a ride… by a 13 year old!

I imagine I will receive some messages from Christians telling me why I’m wrong, and how Mary was a virgin. So Christians I ask you, where is your proof that she was? I don’t want to be hearing that the proof is in the bible, because the words of the bible are not facts, they’re the words of men. Also take into account that the term ‘virgin’ was mistranslated and was originally written as ‘young girl.’ Also take into consideration that Mary, being Jewish would have known of the prophecy about Immanuel in Isaiah 7:14. “Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.” If I was confronted with being stoned to death, I’d probably use this last ditch excuse as well.

It should also be noted that Jesus is far from the first to be conceived of a supposed virgin birth. This group has many famous alumni’s such as the big bellied Buddha, Romulus, Krishna, Pharaoh Amenkept III, Ra, Perseus, Romulus, Mithras, Krishna, Horus, Melanippe, Auge, Antiope and many, many more….

Part 2, coming soon….

What makes Muslim people tick?

15 Jul

Well as wonderfully demonstrated by the diagram above, it’s most likely their rucksack.

Now this may come across as ignorant racism and I suppose it could easily be taken as that, but fear not because it’s not! It’s just plain racism. So I hope that any worries you might have been experiencing at witnessing ‘ignorant racism’ have been well and truly quenched. Now, onto the racism. I personally do not view it as ‘actual’ racism, I see it as innocently humoring myself and others… at the expense of others… but honestly, how is that any different to us laughing at wierdo’s on tv? Ok admittedly, their not being laughed at because of what race they are, it’s more how much of a dick they are making of themselves. But aren’t some Muslims making dicks of themselves? Aren’t some of them strapping explosives to themselves with the intention of killing others? Yes they are, and these people should be ridiculed. Ridiculed! What fools they are, Allah must be dead proud that you’ve succeeded in killing over 10 children under 8, dead proud. I’m sure he’ll deliver you your 72 virgins as promised, but wait oh no there is not ONE mention of that in the Qur’an. Allah thinks your a cunt. You’ve embarrassed yourself, your family and your religion. Your a disgrace.

But let there be amongst you Traffic and trade by mutual good-will: Nor kill (or destroy) yourselves: for verily God hath been to you Most Merciful! If any do that in rancour and injustice,- soon shall We cast them into the Fire: And easy it is for God. Qur’an 4:29 – 4:30

Now let me tell you where I stand. I’m pro-Islam, I have a number of Muslim friends (myspace friends obviously, not actual friends, I mean I do have a reputation to up hold), and they are all lovely people. I’ve said it before in a previous post, its the ignorance of others which taints them with the poo brush. The fact that some of them use their left hand for wiping their arse doesn’t help, but at least they’re being green. They probably feel that they have to make up for the gas emissions those curry farts give out.

Anyway, before I get any more people declaring Jihad’s on me, I’ll leave it there. But, people be able to laugh at yourself. Be able to look at the stereotypes of your people, be it Jews, Muslims, Darkies or Whites and just say ‘hmmm, some of these do exist, wow. I guess I should smile now, oh brilliant’ and then smile. If we can’t laugh at ourselves then we can’t love ourselves, be comfortable in your life, your religion and your people. And finally… be happy and God/Allah/Jehovah/blah blah blah bless you. *yawn