Tag Archives: colon warrior

Single wish time machine.

28 Jan

If you had the option to go back and change something in your life, what would it be?

You can only change one thing, and one thing only. You can’t change a football score or a school report card. Nothing like that. It has to be something about your life, a single occasion. Maybe you didn’t go on a date that you always regretted, or maybe you went to something and wish you hadn’t. That sort of thing.

If I could change something it would be… ‘That I’d never visited my uncle on March 17th 1995. I’d probably be able to sit on bar stools without swallowing them if I hadn’t.’

Ravaged.

 

Remember some of the worst days in your life? This was one of mine

15 Sep

It was one of the hardest moments of my life. I sat next to my friend in hospital. Beep. Beep. Beep. Waiting to hear what the results of the test were. Beep. Beep. Beep. Hoping beyond all hope that they would come back with good results. Beep. Beep. Beep. So there I sat, watching as the busy hospital staff went here, there and everywhere. Except not actually here, we were left alone. Me worried, my friend fading. Now I don’t know if it’s because of hindsight but I swear I remember catching weird glances from the doctors as they went by. They already knew the results. I imagine they were just plucking up the courage to reveal the extent of my friends illness.

It was whilst my friend (who was now sweating profusely) was sleeping that the doctor dealing with him finally came up and spoke to me. He was a nice guy, but I feel he took the easy option in leaving it to me to tell my friend the results. I know that they have a hard enough job as it is, but they are trained for things like this. I didn’t know what to do in this situation, because what he had told me left me stunned. I couldn’t believe it and I certainly was not looking forward to being the one to break the bad news. I said thank you to the doctor and was left to stew on how I would break it to my friend when he woke. I knew it wouldn’t be easy, in fact I knew it would be fucking awful.

When he did wake, he asked if the results had come back and I don’t know why I did it but I lied and said no. He smiled and said ‘well no news is better than bad news, if it was serious they’d know about it by now.’ My heart didn’t break but the barrier holding back my tears did. They came pouring down my face, the streams intertwining like the smoke clouds of the red arrows. His smile faltered and he started to look worried. After at least a minute of ‘time-out’ (not the magazine) to pull myself together I then proceeded to tell him the diagnosis. His questions came out thick and fast. ‘Is that why I’m sweating so much? Is it advanced? Can they cure it? How long have I got?’ I answered all of what the doctor had told me. I admit, I expected to see my friend crumble into pieces, but the warrior that this boy is made him do the opposite. He said fuck it, smiled and then made some jokes about it. ‘I knew I’d get there first! Well, I’ll be able to tell you all about it before you get there! I always knew I’d get fucked.’

If any of you have had a friend turn into a vagina then I know your pain, my friend did as well. But when we look back on it, remember that friend for all that was good in him/her. Just because someone turns into a vagina doesn’t mean that they shouldn’t still hold a place in your heart.

A heart and a vagina are pretty much just the same.
One keeps you alive, the other keeps you sane.
Unless your a homosexual, you colon warrior you.
Taking a brave route, with imminent danger of poo.

Not forgetting you lesbo’s, who do the world so proud.
I’m a fan of your videos. Well, when the volumes set to loud.
Moan, moan, grunt, grunt. Slippy. Slidey. Slap.
Grunt, grunt, moan, moan. Vagina gushes like a tap.