Tag Archives: jesus

Jesus invented the face-fuck.

9 Mar

"Now watch. See how I hold the back of his head? Grip tight and thrust"

"In the name of the father, the son and the holy ghost, bite the pillow."

"Sorry son. No coons. I've got 12 AIDS as it is."

"Better than the last nailing I got. I had to wait 3 days for the resurErection."

Advertisements

I’m partial to a nice bit of cod

30 Aug


The ‘Virgin’ Mary. Un-fucking-likely.

26 Aug


Picture it, you’ve just come home from a long day at work. Your tired, you’ve got wooden shavings in your beard and your fingers are sore with blisters. Then your young fiancee (who has been away with her friend for a few months) tells you that despite being a virgin…she’s pregnant. What would you do? I know that if I was as skilled a carpenter as Joseph I’d most likely whittle up a quick coffin for a hasty burial for the cheating little bitch.

BUT Mary had an explanation… She was pregnant with the child of God. She knew this because an Angel had visited her and told her. I would have loved to have seen Joseph’s face as she told him this! Initially Joseph thought about breaking off the engagement and even of sending Mary off to be stoned (not your good ‘lets get blazed stoned,’ just your ‘throwing rocks at someone until they’re dead’ stoned.) Whilst contemplating what he should do, Joseph was visited by an Angel who reassured him that Mary had been impregnated by the Holy Spirit. Now is it just me or do you think that maybe Mary spiked him with either ketamine, opium or magic mushrooms, got dressed up as an angel and told him this? I’ll tell you something for nothing (though donations are welcome), Jeremy Kyle would have seen through Mary’s lies immediately!  Joseph however (all credit to the simpleton) decided to accept what Mary and the magic mushroom induced Angel had told him despite the public humiliation he would face. I must say that I feel sorry for Joseph, he was obviously just a nice guy who got taken for a ride… by a 13 year old!

I imagine I will receive some messages from Christians telling me why I’m wrong, and how Mary was a virgin. So Christians I ask you, where is your proof that she was? I don’t want to be hearing that the proof is in the bible, because the words of the bible are not facts, they’re the words of men. Also take into account that the term ‘virgin’ was mistranslated and was originally written as ‘young girl.’ Also take into consideration that Mary, being Jewish would have known of the prophecy about Immanuel in Isaiah 7:14. “Therefore the Lord himself shall give you a sign; Behold, a virgin shall conceive, and bear a son, and shall call his name Immanuel.” If I was confronted with being stoned to death, I’d probably use this last ditch excuse as well.

It should also be noted that Jesus is far from the first to be conceived of a supposed virgin birth. This group has many famous alumni’s such as the big bellied Buddha, Romulus, Krishna, Pharaoh Amenkept III, Ra, Perseus, Romulus, Mithras, Krishna, Horus, Melanippe, Auge, Antiope and many, many more….

Part 2, coming soon….

The World is Ending.

19 May

So the world is ending on May 21st. Apparently.

Jesus is coming. Judgement day is here.

How do we know this? Well of course, some of our good Christian friends helped work it out. They have given irrefutable evidence as to why this will happen.

The first unquestionable proof that have provided is  based on Genesis 7:4, when God said to Noah: “Seven days from now I will send rain on the earth for forty days and forty nights, and I will wipe from the face of the earth every living creature I have made.”

When God referred to seven days, he meant both seven days and seven thousand years, because “one day is with the Lord as a thousand years, and a thousand years as one day.” Obviously! Duh!

The flood occurred in 4990 BC. Seven thousand years later is 2011.Ha.

The second proof looks at the significance of the number of days between the Crucifixion and May 21, 2011.

There are 722,500 days between these dates. 722,500 is a significant number because it is composed of the significant numbers 5x10x17x5x10x17. Five signifies redemption; ten signifies completion; and 17 signifies heaven. The numbers represent the day of redemption (5) and the end of the Christian era (10) and the ascent to heaven (17) — and these factors are doubled for added significance.

So there you have it, irrefutable evidence that the world will end on the 21st May 2011. Except… isn’t just mashing some numbers together into a supposed symbolic formula and reading a book written by a number of men (Not God. Men) just a bit… well, bullshit really. I’m not saying that all Christians are idiots for believing this, because I’m sure most of them don’t. But to those who do, I’d like to see their Christian values maximized in these last remaining days. Giving all their money away to good causes is a start, perhaps washing the feet of elderly tramps or maybe even just being around the servants of God; Priests. I’m sure that with such an event as Judgement day approaching they will have their hands full, so it could be hard to track one down. Though of course as with many Priests, its much easier to find them if you just follow a trail of sweets. They give a new meaning to the term ‘gobstopper.’

So guys, if it does come about that Judgement day is actually upon us. Then fuck.

Fuck, fuck, fuck. I’ll regret writing this blasphemy.

Jesus.

Blow.

Me.

The Fiddler Scribbler

Thee, Then and There

18 May

When all around your vantage is but darkness, wisps and wofts

When all audio be scritch, scratch, screech.
O’ acoustic phonic.

Foot steps approach.
Trampling. Breaking. Crushing.

Leaves.
Twigs.

Snap, crackle, pop.

Darkness deafens.
Audio blinds.

And then you feel it.
Panic. Panic.
Rising. Rising

Fear, sweat, heart rate.
Heart rate, sweat, fear.

Fear, folly, flight.
Or
Breathe, stand, fight.

Throat tightens.
Swallow tightens throat.
Gulps.
Difficult.

O friends.
O brothers.
O blessed souls.
What will you hath me do?

Stand and fight?
Or turn in flight?

In these moments

I look to the lord above to give me guidance.
I feel his love

The love from above

He guides me
For he loves me

He loves me
For he guides me

Put your faith in the Father
Put your faith in the Son
Put your faith in the holy ghost

And a place in heaven you’ve won

God bless you Child of God
God bless you

IF BY CHANCE YOU ARE IN A VULNERABLE STATE. PERHAPS SOMEONE YOU KNOW HAS DIED RECENTLY? OR YOU OR A LOVED ONE IS HANDICAPPED, OR DISEASED? WELL FEAR NOT. GIVE YOUR LOVE TO GOD AND YEE SHALL BE REWARDED.*

MATTHEW 23.22 – “HE WHO SWEARS BY HEAVEN, SWEARS BY THE THRONE OF GOD AND BY HIM WHO SITS ON IT” 

*God cannot be held responsible for any misfortune that occurs in your life, though he does of course welcome generous donations to help path your way to heaven

The Fiddler Scribbler

Jesus, Heaven & Hell.

12 May

And they were bringing children to him that he might touch them, and the disciples rebuked them. But when Jesus saw it, he was indignant and said to them, “Let the children come to me; do not hinder them, for to such belongs the kingdom of God. Truly, I say to you, whoever does not receive the kingdom of God like a child shall not enter it.” And he took them in his arms and blessed them, laying his hands on them.
(Mark 10:13-16)

Jesus. What do we know about him? He had a beard, he talked a moral high ground and he was crucified for our sins. Now what I would like to know is, if Jesus did in fact die for our sins, is that only sins that were committed before his tragic demise, or does that include sins up to this day? Or to judgement day? Judgement day seems like its gunna be an organisational nightmare, the Almighty has to judge each and every soul that has ever lived on his 7 day creation. Effort.

However… The blessed God Almighty is a sensible man (Yes MAN!), he took that into account. You see, the blessed God Almighty is also rather snobbish. He does not want to share his kingdom of Heaven with Muslims or Jews… I considered that maybe it was just that he hates Halal or Kosher meat and did not want it in his kingdom of Heaven but that did not explain why other religions and  non-believers were also not welcome. Oh also add unchristened babies to that list. All of whom are sent by God to the eternal fires of hell. The same God who sent his prophets to preach forgiveness, understanding and love. Hypocrite.

Well at least he rewards Christians with a place in his kingdom. Yet, wait. No, not just being a Christian will do. You have to be a ‘psycho Christian.’

Because strait is the gate, and narrow is the way, which leadeth unto life, and few there be that find it. (Matthew 7:14; Luke 13:23,24). 

So if you’ve used contraception? Hell. Had an abortion? Hell. Gay? Hell. You’ve cheated? Hell. HELL

But the cowardly, unbelieving, abominable, murderers, sexually immoral, sorcerers, idolaters, and all liars shall have their part in the lake which burns with fire and brimstone, which is the second death.
(Revelation 21:8)

 If judgement day were to happen tomorrow, of the current world’s population, which stands at about 6.8 billion people, only about a billion would make it to heaven if the bible and religious teachings are correct. Perhaps less. That’s 5.8 billion people sent into the the eternal flames of hell. ETERNAL! Isn’t it a bit harsh to give an eternal sentence for having lived say a mere 40 years on earth with relatively minor sins? The one major sin being he/she didn’t devote their life to following the blessed Almighty. It’s rubbish. A boy born in an Islamic country of Islamic parents is going to me a Muslim. Why should he suffer the torment of hells eternal fire because of where he was born? Will the peadophile priests go to heaven? I mean ‘sure they’ve ruined a child’s life and taken his innocence, but they have devoted their life to God.’

Ultimately, judging by the people who will be ‘welcomed’ into the kingdom of Heaven, it’s not a place I would like to go. These people pissed me off in life, never mind sharing eternity with them. And whilst hell may house wankers like Hitler, Mugabe and the mastermind behind ‘Jersey Shore.’ It will also house drugs, slags and drum and bass. Boom. In fact, the only reason I’d accept a place in Heaven if I was offered one… is that it’s going to be A LOT less crowded than hell.

The Fiddler Scribbler